ICHC Department

Ask A Therapist: Advice Column 烦恼问答

  Question:   在中国长大的我,来美国求学,工作,定居以后,自己一直都是独立的生活和工作。我觉得我的父母总是把我当成长不大的孩子,时时刻刻数落我,这让我很懊恼。我觉得他们看不到我的优秀,或者他们只是习惯了作为父母要说的话题。我想和父母沟通,好好聊天,但是经常以吵架结束,觉得还是少聊天。我应该怎样处理和父母之间的冲突?  Answer from a Therapist:  我很理解你的苦恼,我相信每一个人最想得到的认可就是父母的认可,然而在你努力之后获得成功,变得优秀,却依然得不到父母的认可,是一件非常让人沮丧的事情。父母总是把我们当作小孩子,总是以居高临下的姿态来面对我们,也会让我们觉得很无能,甚至愤怒。我很理解你的感受。  首先我希望你知道你是优秀的,不需要任何人的证明。即使你没有种种成就,你身而为人就是有价值的。更何况你是如此的独立,优秀,孤身一人在陌生的环境中生活,这需要很大的勇气,很强的能力,毋庸置疑你是优秀的。  针对你的问题,即使你如此优秀,也会困扰于和父母的交流,可见原生家庭问题是多么的复杂。希望你不要归咎与自己,很多人有共同的问题,也为此而挣扎,这是很正常的。如果你想要改善父母关系,和他们好好沟通好好聊天,我有一些建议可以帮到你。  根据你的描述,我假设冲突的发生应该是你无法接受父母跟你说话的态度,从而没有办法控制好自己的情绪,进而引发争吵,不欢而散。这是现在你和父母交流的模式,没有谁对谁错。但如果没有改变,就会持续这样的模式。  所以如果你想打破这样的模式,就要从自己开始改变,这并不代表你在与父母的沟通中你是错误的,只是你有想要改善关系的这份心。所以第一点你可以做的就是在和父母沟通中,尽量控制自己的情绪,不要爆发。应对情绪的方法有很多,比如调整自己的认知,呼吸放松练习,这些都是你可以在沟通中使用的,你也可以学习更多的技巧,发掘你自己的方式。如果感到情绪无法控制,就暂停沟通。  第二,表达你对父母的合理期望。沟通是相互的,虽然我们没有办法改变父母的沟通方式,但可以表达自己的期望,思考分析具体是父母说的什么话,什么态度让你产生负面情绪。然后通过直接的,温和的,建议式的方式表达给父母。  第三,提高你的沟通技巧。沟通技巧有很多,比如如何倾听,如何正确表达自己的想法。倾听是一个需要长时间培养的能力,你是否能觉察对方的情绪,觉知对方话里的含义,你可以去学习如何倾听。如何有效表达自己,我们可以用这样的组合:说明情况 + 说明你的理解 + 表达自己的情绪 + 表达自己的期望,比如,在你已经做的很好的时候,父母还总说你要做的更好,看不到你的优秀。你可以这样表达:你们总是看到我没做到的,却看不到我已经做到的。我想你们是希望我做到更好,但我也很希望得到认可。你们只是让我做的更好而不认同我的时候,我感到非常的沮丧,难过,受挫。我非常希望得到来自父母的认可,我希望你们可以在促进我更好的同时,也可以看到和认可我的成功。  以上就是我可以给到你的建议,希望他们有帮助。如果你已经尝试了改变,然而父母依然没有改变,我希望你知道这不是你的问题,你已经做了你能做的事情,即使结果没有什么不同,你也成功了。    Question:  从小到大我就一直很努力,就是为了脱离我的原生家庭。我妈指望我给她养老,我就想着以后多挣钱,离开这个地方,每个月给她打钱就好,我们各过各的。疫情前我研究生毕业,拿到了一份四大的工作。挺开心去入职,结果入职体检查出来肺结核,必须隔离治疗,工作也不知道留不留得住。吃药真的好苦,我不想吃又不得不吃,一想到吃药就难受得想哭,想到自己的前途更觉得一切都完了。我妈也一天到晚骂我怎么就的了这个病。我想就是在我天天熬夜考证那段时间,去打了肺结核疫苗的原因。我妈当时还劝我不要打,我哪知道会这样。而且这个病治好了之后去体检,还是会被很多医院认定不能通过体检,我以后根本找不到工作,只能去扫大街。 现在经济压力也大,和其他亲戚关系也闹得很僵。为什么我这么不幸呢?凭什么我这么努力就是这个结果?  Answer from a Therapist:  …

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ASIA, Inc. Celebrates Nationwide Preliminary Injunctions Against The Public Charge Rule

For Immediate Release October 18, 2019 Akron – We celebrate the news that the federal courts in New York and Washington granted nationwide preliminary injunctions against the Public Charge rule…

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ASIA, Inc. Announces 2019 Wang-Ji Family Scholarship Recipients

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ASIA, Inc. Seeks A Social Work Intern

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Asian Services In Action, Inc. (ASIA, Inc.) seeks a highly motivated and bright individual who possesses a diversified set of skills for the Medical Assistant – Mid Level Part-Time position…

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[ICHC] Now Hiring Medical Assistant for ICHC Akron – Apply Today!

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[Event] Sickle Cell Disease Group Discussion

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[Event] "Welcome Hub": A Refugee Lifestyle Seminar

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